Easing Kindergarten Empty Nest Syndrome for Parents

If your little one has just started kindergarten and you’re feeling a surprising sense of loss, you’re not alone. Empty nest syndrome generally hits after high school graduation, but it can actually show up much earlier.

This stage is called Kindergarten Empty Nest Syndrome. It’s a bittersweet mix of pride and sadness when your baby is suddenly a “big kid.”

What Is Empty Nest Syndrome?

Empty nest syndrome is not a clinical diagnosis, but rather a term used to describe the feelings of grief, sadness, or disorientation that can happen when children are away from home more than before.

For some parents, that transition comes when the kids leave for college. For others, it can arrive much earlier like the first full school day, after a custody change, or even when a child begins preschool.

It can feel like:

• Loneliness – missing your child’s presence and the little rituals of daily life.
• Loss of identity – struggling with who you are when you’re not actively parenting all day.
• Disrupted purpose – wondering how to fill your time when so much of it revolved around your children.

These feelings are normal and temporary. With some intentional coping strategies, most parents find their rhythm again and even come to enjoy new aspects of this stage of life.

My Experience with Kindergarten Empty Nest

“Are you OK?” my husband asked me. “You seem kind of quiet tonight.”

“I’m OK. I just…Well, you know JJ started kindergarten this week,” I felt a lump in my throat. “And he’s been in school for 3 days now…” Tears came to my eyes. “And I guess…it turns out…I’m not handling it so well!”

I was sad because I missed my son, and suddenly also my daughter who had already been going to school for two years. This seemed silly even to me because I still saw them every day minus those hours they spent in second grade and half-day kindergarten.

It Wasn’t Just About the House Being Empty During the Day

My tears were more about missing my little kids.

I missed my babies, who were clearly not babies anymore. I missed new motherhood, because suddenly I was finished with it. I could not call myself a new mom anymore. I had two school-age kids and I was suddenly mourning the days of their early childhoods.

My husband, being the wonderful man and dad that he is, understood this even when all I could choke out was, “I thought I was looking forward to this!” For years I had been anticipating the hours I’d have to myself once both kids were in school, but when it actually came time, life wasn’t quite what I’d expected.

Is This What Empty Nest Syndrome Feels Like?

This was this first time I experienced empty nest syndrome. I didn’t think it would happen until my children got married or left for college. I thought that’s when the nest was supposed to feel empty, so it took me by surprise when I was suddenly struggling with my sense of purpose during the hours my children were now both at school. I wasn’t expecting to feel so lost.

Turns out, it is not uncommon for parents to experience empty nest syndrome before their kids graduate and move away from home. Enter the lovely: Kindergarten Empty Nest Syndrome you may just be hearing about.

Two years ago, Amy Friese, a stay-at-home mother of an 8-year old and a 10-year-old from Minnesota, was not expecting to go through a divorce and find herself childless every other week of the year. “Nobody gets married thinking it will only last a set number of years,” said Amy. “You plan on being married for a lifetime.”

She ended up sharing custody of her children 50% of the time, she felt lonely and as if she had completely lost her identity. “I felt I was no longer a mother because for two weeks out of the month, my kids weren’t living under my roof.”

Empty nest syndrome can affect moms and dads at different stages of parenting and for different reasons. Whether it’s the first time all of the children are in school, sharing a custody arrangement, or the solitude that accompanies college or marriage, empty nest parents seem to share a sense of loss and lack of purpose.

There is an emptiness in the home and life where a child once occupied the majority of a parent’s thoughts and time. Now there is aimlessness to their routine and habits; they’re suddenly unsure of what do to or perhaps even who they are.

Practical Ways to Ease Kindergarten Empty Nest Syndrome

With time and practice, empty nest syndrome does pass. It may take a while to get used to a new normal, and not without some intentionality.

Often times, the best advice for handling these kinds of transitions comes from other parents who have been there.

These parents share how they coped with not only Kindergarten Empty Nest Syndrome, but the pains of missing their children at various points in their lives.

Allow Yourself the Space to Feel Sad

This might be the most important strategy for getting through a kindergarten empty nest transition—it is absolutely OK to cry over the loss of time with your children. Crying is the way our brains are able to process the emotions of adversity and clear the neural pathways for rational thinking.

So if you’re feeling sad about not having your children around as much as they once were, be sure to allow yourself to grieve properly over this. It will help you find acceptance of the situation and allow you to move forward.

Look for Ways to Stay Connected to Your Child

You’ve been accustomed to being able to talk to, play with, snuggle, hug, and connect with your kids at any time. Now they’re away from you for more of the time, so you need to find other ways to connect. Leave love notes in their bags or lunches to find at school.

Make the after school routine and evenings count. Ask open-ended questions about their day. Spend time talking or taking a walk together before or after dinner. Practice a bedtime guided meditation to bond together as they learn how to mindfully fall asleep.

For longer absences than the school day (the start of a custody week, school breaks, or major holidays), focus on renewing your relationship. Use one-on-one outings, nightly tuck-ins, and heart-to-heart conversations to continue getting to know your kids and communicate unconditional love. No matter the distance between you or time spent apart, show that you always value the relationship you have.

Rediscover Yourself and/or Your Partner

“With empty nest syndrome, for the first time in years, your children are not the first thing you think about,” said Chris, a mom of two grown children from Illinois. “You can more easily focus on yourself and your spouse.”

The same is true for parents of little ones who aren’t able to spend as much time together as they did pre-babies. Take time to get to know your spouse in this new phase of life, and plan activities to try together. Find a new hobby for yourself or rekindle an old one that had been pushed to the back burner when kids came along. Discover what else (besides your children!) brings you joy.

Don’t Isolate Yourself

“When you’re sad, it’s easy to want to stay alone in your sadness,” said Amy. But she recommends making a point of not isolating yourself, which, for her, meant staying connected to her family and leaning in to her faith throughout the time following her divorce.

Get out each day, make plans with someone with whom you’ll look forward to talking, let your friends help you during the lonely times.

Start a New Hobby or Routine

Explore hobbies you’ve put on hold, enjoy time outdoors, or simply allow yourself to rest without guilt. Whether this means returning to work, volunteering at your child’s school, committing to a new yoga routine, or taking a class, pursuing new endeavors will give you a welcome outlet.

Remember Your Purpose as a Parent Still Exists

Courtney, a mother of two from Oregon, says that just because children are not at home does not mean they don’t need their parents anymore. “As an adult, I returned to the nest after a mildly traumatic year. I needed my family so much more than they might have realized.”

Just because kids don’t spend all their hours under your roof doesn’t mean that they don’t continue to need the secure relationship you share. The day-to-day logistics might shift, but that relationship will always be your child’s foundation.