Matrescence: Losing yourself in motherhood isn’t the problem, it’s the point

“I don’t want to lose myself in motherhood.”

This is a common phrase uttered by expectant and new mothers alike. Maybe you’ve even said it yourself. I know I have. In our culture, we see “losing yourself” in motherhood as one of the worst possible things that could happen when you have a baby.

Why It’s Easy to Feel Lost

It’s not hard to feel like you’ve lost yourself in motherhood these days. There are so many things that can set you off your course. Maybe you had to return to work soon after you birthed, and didn’t have the time you needed to heal your body and bond with your baby.

Perhaps you don’t have a village to support you and you’re spending more time caregiving than any one human was evolutionarily wired to do. Maybe you’ve been dragged down by the undertow of parenting ideologies that have you neck-deep in research about how to do this “right.” 

While grappling with all of this, you’ve probably been inundated with subtle and not-so-subtle messages that you should be “bouncing back” to your pre-baby body and life.

It’s enough to make anyone feel disoriented. But there’s more to the story of transformation in motherhood than feeling unmoored by the challenges that modern mothering presents. The truth is, despite our cultural assertions that it shouldn’t, motherhood changes us.

It always has.

What is Matrescence?

The changes that occur to us as we become mothers have a name: matrescence. Matrescence encompasses the biological, psychological, social, economic and even spiritual changes that a mother undergoes when she has a baby (whether it’s her first baby, or her fourth).

The word matrescence sounds like adolescence for a reason. Adolescence is a life transition that we have come to assume takes many years, involves big emotions, and is the result of massive hormonal and brain changes alongside seismic physical and social shifts. And it’s definitely not something you can “bounce back” from. 

Interestingly, we see the process of adolescents’ transformation as being positive and filled with potential. We are often disappointed when adolescents return to their former state and “act like children.”

So why don’t we see matrescence as being equally filled with power and potential? Why do we insist, as a culture, that mothers remain unchanged by motherhood?

Becoming a mother is profoundly transformative. Your values may change, your relationships will change, and the way you feel about your career might change, your relationship with your body may change, and more.

Letting Go to Become Someone New

The most important and most often forgotten truth about any major life transition, matrescence included, is that in order to step into a new version of yourself, you must let go of who you used to be. In this way, losing yourself is part of the process.

Of course, there are aspects of your pre-baby life that will return to you, to be sure. There is a hearty dose of “this too shall pass” that can serve us well in new motherhood. For example, you will, eventually, be able to drink your coffee hot. You’ll probably sleep more, at some point, too. I promise.

But there are parts of your life that will change forever.

Alongside this forgotten truth lies another one: it’s okay to feel sad about that. It’s normal to experience grief and disorientation during matrescence. In fact, any major shift in our lives, even ones that we normally see as positive, like motherhood, requires us to feel and move through the grief of letting go of who we used to be in order to fully step into who we’re becoming.

There is research to back this. A 2015 study found that mothers who struggled the most with a sense of self-loss reported ultimately being more satisfied and confident with themselves as they completed their transition into motherhood than mothers who didn’t struggle as much with a loss of self.

This isn’t easy, but it’s normal.

But let me offer you some reassurance. There’s something about “losing yourself in motherhood” that we keep missing: you will find someone new.

Matrescence is filled with the potential to help us discover new aspects of ourselves and unearth skills, strengths and capacities we didn’t know we had. It gives us radical permission to let go of parts of ourselves and our lives that aren’t serving us, and get laser-clarity about who we are and what matters most.

In this way, losing yourself in motherhood isn’t the problem, it’s the point.

Three Ways to Support Yourself Through Matrescence

It helps to have a map to follow as you navigate the uncharted territory of matrescence – so that even when you’re feeling lost, you know you’re on your way.

Here are three things you can do to support yourself during this transformative time:

Name the change

• It’s deceptively simple: naming, out loud or in your journal, all the things that have changed since you’ve become a mother makes this transformative time feel a little less overwhelming. Our lives are like ecosystems, and that means that when one thing changes, so does everything else: our bodies, our relationships, our careers, and our values, for example. Simply naming what is true for you now that you’re a mother is deeply grounding and orienting.

Let yourself feel sad

• Grief is a normal, healthy part of any change process, even when it’s a change that is deeply desired. Consider this your permission slip to feel the full spectrum of emotions that matrescence brings. And, if you can, share these feelings with a partner, trusted friend or therapist so that you can begin to metabolize them.

Be patient

• The process of matrescence takes two to three years, not six weeks or three months like we’ve been led to believe. Like the caterpillar turning into the butterfly, metamorphosis takes time. But rather than being daunted by this fact, consider that this gives you plenty of time to figure out who you are, both as a mother and as a human who happens to be a mother.

Journey well, mama.