Letting Go of Mom Guilt
I don’t know about you, but just the thought of letting go of mom guilt makes me feel good! Learning to let go of mom guilt is a true gift we moms can give ourselves, and it’s a skill we can instill in our children’s generation. Identifying, breaking down, and processing mom guilt is a freeing process.
The Purpose of Guilt
Even though feeling guilty is never fun, it is a purposeful emotion. Guilt compels us to repair or make amends when we do something wrong. Even if we aren’t crime committers, we all make mistakes and feel guilty about it from time to time. At times, it can be some of the heavier weight to bear in the mental load of motherhood.
Zoe Blaskey, the founder of the Momkind podcast and author of a book by the same name, spoke at the Raised Good Summit about letting go of mom guilt and thriving in a world of endless expectations. Blaskey explains that the idea of mom guilt needs unpacking and honors what a sticky topic it can be to unravel.
I found this interview extremely relatable as a mom, and it gave me a lot of peace to learn tools to curb the mom guilt and quiet the outside noise of judgment while setting internal personal boundaries.
Guilt and Empathy
“When you give birth to the baby, you give birth to the guilt.” Blaskey states that while this statement holds some truth, mothers don’t have to live under the pressure of guilt just for existing. Part of it may be inherent, but we don’t have to live that way.
Guilt is a necessary feeling, but mom guilt can be a beast. The presence of feeling guilt is a good sign of empathy, as the two are closely entwined and guilt wouldn’t exist without empathy. Mom guilt can be a slippery slope, and motherhood can bring up shame for perfectly acceptable behaviors.
In many families, a shared experience is that the hierarchy of needs being met seems to dictate that a mother’s needs come last. Whether this is biologically inherent or a socially imposed problem based in misogyny (or a mix of both), it is an unhealthy dynamic. This impossible balance leads to maternal burnout, understandably.
I love and accept motherhood as a mixed bag of joy, hardship, learning, growth, tears, breakthroughs, acceptance, and absolute beauty. However, the pressure cooker of mom guilt and the unrelenting expectation to do everything at once and do it ideally is an unacceptable and impossible standard that no one should feel they must live by.
Unpacking Mom Guilt
Let’s take a look at the definition of guilt:
1. The fact of having committed a breach of conduct, especially violating the law and involving a penalty.
2. The state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously.
As you can see, guilt is definable when you have done something wrong. “Mom guilt” is not actual guilt. It’s a complex range of emotions that comes up when we do absolutely normal things, such as working, not cooking perfect meals, or needing a break. These are all part of being human.
Blaskey explains the 80/20 guilt method, where of the amount that moms feel guilt, usually only 20% of the time is it an expected emotion and a genuine call to repair. The other 80% is when we are doing something normal, like going back to work, and the word guilt isn’t a good descriptor of the actual activity.
Guilt should not be part of our internal self-talk about doing normal every day things! We are allowed to define ourselves in many capacities as mothers, professionals, friends, runners, introverts, book worms, etc… No person has only one role in life.
Rather than labelling everything as guilt, Blaskey explains that it’s helpful to use more accurate language for what moms are feeling, and how powerful it can be to reframe what we think or how we feel when “guilt” comes up for us.
She recommends a tool she calls TSIPS, an acronym for Tension, Standards, Inner critic, Permeating, and Shame.
Using TSIPS
As you begin to use this tool to help you define your feelings and free yourself from mom guilt, it’s helpful to jot down your thoughts as they come to help you break down the process. Talking it through with a friend can also be beneficial. Do whatever works for you until the process becomes a habit.
When you reframe your feelings from guilt to their true roots, you’ll learn to become more kind and compassionate with yourself.
Tension
Tension is a better descriptive word when we might feel guilt but aren’t doing anything wrong, like going to work, missing a school play, having dinner with a friend and missing bedtime stories, or taking a yoga class on a Saturday morning.
It implies that you’re on two sides of something like pulling a rope. You feel like you should be in one place but have responsibility in another. Blaskey says the best thing to do in this situation is to imagine yourself dropping the rope. From a psychological perspective, dropping the rope is acceptance.
The best way to “drop the rope” and not feel so much tension is to work on gaining understanding of your values. If you have a strong sense of what is important to you, then when you feel tension, it will be easier to decide where you should be, let go of the stress, and accept that you aren’t doing anything wrong.
Feeling tension is a normal part of life when we do things that we are passionate about, because no matter what, priorities will need to be identified so we can make choices that align with our values.
Standards
Measuring ourselves against other people’s standards is a large part of what drives mom guilt. As you understand your values, work also to decide your standards. It can be so hard not to let society’s ideals, social media, and other moms impose on standards that fit your own life.
Standards should be based on what is important to you. If organic homemade meals aren’t important to you, let go of the pressure.
You can make simple meals, while valuing the simplicity so you can spend time with your kids. You get to decide what standards to set for your own family.
Deciding your priorities is a nuanced and personal process. No one else sets that for you. All people have more than one facet to their lives, and no one can do everything all at once. The balance feels tough, but letting go of standards that don’t work for you is incredibly freeing.
Inner Critic
Some people have a strong inner critic that highlights the feeling of guilt. It’s almost impossible to eliminate it entirely, but it’s up to you to decide what you do with it. The best way to handle an inner critic is first to recognize that every thought you think isn’t true.
Create mental space for yourself by using this simple tool:
- First thought: If your first thought is self-critical, notice it and give yourself time until you get to the next thought. The first critical thought is not always truthful. Using breath work while you process through this step is helpful.
- Second thought: Once you let that pass, your second thought is usually more reasonable and truthful. This deconstructs your inner critic.
- First action: Once you pause to process your second thought, take the first action. For example, you remember that your mental health and friendships are a priority, and the kids will be okay if your partner puts them to bed tonight. The first action is to keep dinner plans with your best friend guilt-free.
Permeating
Permeating is taking on what others might feel about what you are doing as your own. Let others feel their feelings, and you remain resilient in yours. Taking on others’ feelings as truth and letting it affect your feelings is similar to codependency.
Blaskey expertly points out that your ability to meet your own needs depends on your ability to allow others to be disappointed in you. Letting go of making everyone happy when you aren’t doing anything wrong is a freeing experience!
Let other people be sad, mad, disappointed, irritated, etc… If they can not manage their emotions about you, they can totally talk to their therapist about it. The world doesn’t end if you disappoint someone because you meet your own needs, especially when those needs are reasonable.
If your child is sad because you are having dinner without them, walk them through that emotion. Remain strong in the knowledge that you are a person and a mother. They will learn critical emotional boundaries, knowing that your entire life’s purpose is not only to serve them. Their feelings are okay, and you are a human with wants and needs just like they are.
Shame
Shame seeps its way into the dark and quiet places of mom guilt. It’s what we think about as we question our decisions once the house is settled for the night. It wants you to keep quiet about your feelings, and to please everyone else.
To process shame, give yourself grace just like you would your children. Be your own mother for a moment (or the mother you needed). Remember to love yourself for who you are, even if you make a mistake. An occasional lousy choice doesn’t make you a bad person!
Don’t Feed The Guilt Monster
Guilt has its purpose in the beauty of human nature; it’s meant to be felt and processed. It is a signal to repair and make amends. Getting stuck in guilt is when it becomes a problematic cycle. When we are consumed with mom guilt, being present with your family is impossible.
Free yourself from feeding the guilt monster and thinking your imperfections are any different from anyone else’s. We all have imperfections, life is messy! It’s incredibly freeing to feel like a good mother. Accept mistakes and repair will happen, and you are doing your best.
Trust yourself and have confidence that you know what is best for your family. The values you prioritize don’t have to be the same as everyone else’s. They only have to work for your family. Others’ opinions about your family’s priorities is just extra noise, feel free to ignore it! Consider that other people probably don’t judge you as harshly as you think they do most of the time.
Defining yourself, your priorities, and your power in motherhood starves the guilt monster. It frees you from judgement, making motherhood a safer, healthier, and more joyful path.
More Parenting Resources
It’s Time to Embrace Imperfect Parenting
Learning to Trust Your Instincts as a Parent
Finding Your Parenting Community
“I Don’t Want to Be the Mom Who Yells”
Managing the Mental Load of Motherhood
How Self-Care Leads to Better Mothering